Call me crazy, but it seems to me that the only people truly benefitting from tattoos are tattoo artists and tattoo removal specialists.

Is it me or are we experiencing an epidemic of tattoos in America?  I say this knowing full well that you yourself may have a tattoo or that your entire body may be covered in them.  Your choice.  Good for you.

But here's the thing...

I'm sitting here in my doctor's waiting room where adjacent to me sits an otherwise lovely, blonde woman with long hair and blue eyes.  She's wearing a hot little crop-top and Daisy Dukes ... yes, even at the doctor's office ... but it's about 92 degrees outside today.  Just so you know.

Anyway, this woman has the most disgusting tattoo all up and down the outside of her left leg.  It runs from her ankle all the way up to her upper thigh.  Trust me, I'm getting quite the view.  She has her legs crossed and it's right there. BAM!  It looks like some sort of snake or dragon or something.  

I swear, I don't think a week has gone by in the past couple of years without me spotting someone sporting a tattoo. Maybe I'm hyper-aware of these things because I'm very visual and love contemporary art.  Actually, you know what?  I think that's the nature of tattoos.  You don't spot them.  They visually assault you.  You cannot NOT see them.

Oh, and I’m not talking about a little tattoo here and there.  I’m talking about people COVERED in tattoos.  Seriously, it seems like a sickness or an addiction or something.  It’s as if a virus has swept through our society and everyone is swimming in tattoos.  Somebody needs to tell these people …


Tattoos are graffiti for the body.  The same basic principle applies.  One artist completes something spectacular and later on, another underground entity lurking in the shadows comes along and assaults the original work.  It uses the original masterwork as a canvas for its own, selfish self-expression.  Isn’t the human body already perfect as it is?

I recall several months ago I was in line at the supermarket checkout where the guy in front of me was chatting with the male cashier and both of them had marred their bodies with significant "tattooage."  They were taking time to actually check each other out and share information about where each of them got their work done.

It was all I could do to keep from throwing up.  It was at that point that I realized that people with tattoos sort of represent an entire sub-culture in our society.  Do all people with tattoos have anything in common other than mere tattoos?  They must.  I mean, what’s REALLY going on here?

I'm sorry, but I have yet to see an attractive tattoo on anyone.  I don't care who the person is or whether they're a celebrity or what.  They're simply ugly.  Even the "most beautiful tattoo ever" just seems disgusting to me.

Yes, I know.  I just "don't get it."  Tattoos are "beautiful art" for the body.  I know that’s what you’re saying.  I disagree. 

Maybe I need to take the stick out of my ass, but I just don't think tattooing enhances one's body and certainly not their skin in any way, shape or form. To me, they always look like mistakes or plastic surgery gone hideous.

I know this isn't true, but whenever I see anyone with a tattoo, I think they feel lacking in some way.  I always think that they don't have much hope for their lives.  

"Well, I'm not going to get that VP job at Chase, so I may as well get a tattoo!"  OR ... "I'm not going to become a heart surgeon, so why NOT get a tattoo?" OR … “My wife left me, so I think I’ll get another tattoo (or get the one bearing her image removed from my chest)!”

By the way, I've just made up those quotes knowing full well that there are probably numerous bank vice presidents and heart surgeons with tattoos out there ... so spare me your email.

I just think that people who are all "tatted-up" feel like they have to do something to bring more attention to themselves or make themselves more attractive in some way ... you know, like plastic surgery.  Speaking of plastic surgery, I once interviewed a plastic surgeon who told me that proper tattoo removal done by a trained and licensed medical professional is crazy expensive ... like tens of thousands of dollars … and it’s a lengthy process. 

This doctor also told me that lots of folks with tattoos are now choosing to remove them and that his practice could do gangbuster business focusing on tattoo removal alone.  Epidemics are costly.

Look ... perhaps I'm viewing this as a corporate-minded person who’s always thinking in terms of employment and "respectability."  However, people with tattoos are a dime a dozen these days, so it's not as if tattoos aren't acceptable. They just remain somewhat risky and edgy ... which is also probably why so many people get them. They want to seem cool and edgy.

But if nearly everyone you see has a tattoo, is that still "edgy" or is it totally conventional … like liverwurst sandwiches on rye?  Yuck.  

All I know is that I'm tired of being assaulted by people's tattoos.  They're always so graphic and evil looking ... like Mad Max meets The Exorcist. Whenever I spot them (or they grab me), I always get the exact same feeling that I get when I see public littering.  They seem like pollution to me.

Tattoos also give me the same feeling that I get whenever I see people smoking.  I always think, "Seriously? With all of the health information we've got, you're still choosing to smoke?"

I just hate tattoos.  I'm sorry.  I do.  And then, what do you think I do when I see a tatted-up smoker?  I explode.  Smile. 

Truth be told, if you’re covered in tattoos, your sickness really isn’t any of my business.  Or is it?  Whenever we’re out and about, we put ourselves in the public domain, don’t we?  Hmm.  Tattoos may not exactly be public domain, but they are a public nuisance.  

Oh ... and don't you just love how most tattoo shops also throw in body piercing?  It's like ... one-stop shopping for human mutilation. 

Being an art person and all, it really pains me to write this, but I'm just calling it like I see it.  And by the way, I'm not saying that "tatted-up" people are worse than people who don't have tattoos.  Believe me you, I'd much rather be friends with a loving person covered in tattoos than a backstabber who doesn't have any.  

Fortunately for me, those things aren't mutually exclusive.  By the way, did I forget to tell you that I actually have a tattoo?

Just kidding.  



Thrown Under the Bus