|HOW TO MEDITATE BADLY
1. Go to a quiet place and sit still. Keep a fly swatter and can of Raid nearby.
2. Don't fight it. Let your busy mind wander until it's exhausted and calm. This will take some time.
3. Bask in the luxury of the new found emptiness of your mind. Like a meandering desert landscape or vast ocean, finally, it's free and clear.
4. Listen to your breath.
5. Keep listening. Try to ignore the wheezing from your tobacco-polluted lungs. Pop a breath mint if need be.
6. Mentally and spiritually step into this greater sense of merely being. You are pure consciousness. It's a minimalist moment.
7. Open your right eye and briefly peer around to make sure the killer isn't lurking about. Killers lurk when your guard is down.
8. Close your eye and come back to your centered, serene place. Ahh, harmony.
9. In the event that a fly or worse yet, a bee swarms around you, pick up the swatter and can of Raid and slowly stalk it. Stun the fly or bee with a strong shot of the Raid to slow it down and then go in for the decisive kill with the swatter. Show no mercy. This was your quiet time that was ruined.
10. Now ... return to your centered place and try to clear your mind again. This will take some time because you WILL be pissed.
11. If you get the urge to cough, sneeze, scratch or even fart, go ahead. Relieve that tension.
12. Now ... Hum, chant or yodel. This will clear the emotional toxins. All channels must be open for transcendence to occur.
13. Breathe deeply. See the vivid colors. It's an impressionist world you've created ... and an abstract one, if you're a rebel.
14. Become one with your surroundings. You are pure consciousness and in sync with the entire universe.
15. Now ... TRANSCEND! Yes! Yes! FLY! Finally, you're on that mountaintop with the wind blowing through your flowing hair and regal, velvet robe. Damn it! Isn't this how it should have been from the very start? All the world is beneath you giving you that never-ending standing ovation you so dearly deserve.
16. Gaze upward to see the roses pouring down from the sky for you like manna from heaven. Finally ... some respect!
17. Drink it all in. Yes, you are fabulous (not a word I use a lot, but let's go with it).
18. Ignore the doorbell, ringing cellphone or crying baby. Are they ever REALLY there when you need THEM? This is YOUR time. Seize the day.
19. Unapologetically return to center.
20. Enjoy this transcendent journey. It's about YOU and you alone.
21. Fight, claw and STAB for your well being. Why shouldn't you have this? They sure got theirs!
22. Think love, think world peace, think harmony.
23. Lash OUT at anyone who disturbs you in this surreal moment.
24. Open your eyes, stand up and stretch like a dog awakening from a nap. You're totally refreshed and rejuvenated to go back out there and TAKE what's rightfully yours.
25. Move forward with your new found grace.
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