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GIANT CONSTIPATED BABIES

Just like babies, we do it because we think it’s cute and fun.

We sit there, scrunch our faces, grunt like bears and withhold … thinking that we’re giving people a piece of our brilliant, yet selfish minds.

It’s totally a game. Just watch any Sunday morning political TV show and you’ll see. It’s about who can win by digging in their heels the hardest and deepest. Who can last the longest? You know, the whole “last man standing” thing.

These days, it’s hipper than ever to be stubborn ... especially on the political front. It’s totally in fashion. Okay, I’ll say it ...

Stubborn is the new black.

The cardinal rule is that the deeper you dig your heels … the more you appear to be on higher moral ground … and the more righteous you believe you are … hence the more you think this causes people to view you as a person of high principle … when in actuality … you look like a giant, constipated baby ... with a scrunched face.

Here’s the thing …

Everyone cheers you on in your presence, but the instant you turn your back, they roll their eyes, point at you and do that circular motion thing with their index fingers at the corners of their foreheads.

You can especially find them in Washington, DC, but they’re really everywhere. Giant constipated babies are crawling all over the place. They’re an epidemic.

They’ve taken over the nation. Their cellphones are their pacifiers, but when they’re not on their handheld devices, watch out! You’ll have a screaming brat on your hands.

I’m tempted to say we need to create a vaccine for giant constipated babies or “GCBs” for you hipsters, but of course, tons of folks (GCBs themselves) would dig in their heels against the vaccine, claiming it causes … whatever. So much for that.

Giant constipated babies don’t listen to reason or solutions. Don’t you know by now that they’re not interested in that? They actually want to complain, remain in conflict and cry a river. It’s what they do.

Years ago, I recall chatting with an ex-girlfriend on the phone. I was trying to help her, but she simply was not having it. She wanted to scream and yell and that’s exactly what she did.

As she yelled, I got this image of her wearing a bonnet and diaper as she ran around and stomped her feet in protest. It’s only now that I’m making the connection between her behavior and what so many people seem to be doing these days.

In our fractured nation and world, people don’t really want solutions. Not really. Not if it means re-thinking their personal, political ideology. Today, compromise is viewed as a sign of weakness.

Isn’t this ironic considering that … being stubborn is so unquestionably steeped in fear? Perhaps the fear of being wrong? Otherwise, if people truly wanted solutions, wouldn’t they be more willing to at least listen to those with opposing opinions?

Considering the fact that the world population is roughly 8 billion, you’d think that the concept of compromise might be in our best interest, but not for those giant constipated babies. They want everything THEIR way.

Have you ever really observed a baby? Bless their hearts. I love babies, but the truth is that babies don’t have any concept of needs and wants other than their own. They simply aren’t mature enough. They’re babies.

Many of us are the same. We haven’t grown up. We’re stuck in the oral-anal phase of psychological development and we simply won’t see the needs and wants of others. We grunt and dig in our heels. Needless to say, this way of living is not sustainable.

I’ve come to realize that when I become a stubborn GCB (or SOB), I’m giving evil a huge foothold in my life. I’m listening to and obeying dark forces. Nothing good comes from digging in your heels. Nothing.

When you’re stubborn, you’re telling the world that you simply won’t listen to reason. You’re choosing chaos over clarity.

We all know reason when we see and hear it. Reason gives us an immediate sense of calm and yes, clarity … even if we don’t immediately appreciate it.

Reason transcends politics, culture, race, gender, class and geography, but don’t try to explain that to a GCB.

When you’re stubborn, you’re choosing to give way to emotional, intellectual and spiritual constipation. Suddenly, you think you’re standing for something when you’re actually falling for that anal fixation. You’re stunting your own personal growth. It’s a complete waste … just like the waste you’re holding in.

Giant constipated babies are adults who are selfish to the max. They come in all colors, classes, cultures, genders, sizes and political and religious persuasions. And ironically, like misery, they love company.

It’s their way or the highway. And have you ever noticed that they are constantly angry? They are never not angry. Everything is pent up inside of them and they will chop your head off in a minute … over something that seems completely innocent.

Look around. It won’t take long. As I said earlier, they’re everywhere. You might even find one in your mirror. Have you ever been a giant constipated baby? Oh sorry, I meant, “GCB.” Let’s keep this edgy, shall we?

Dealing with an actual baby suffering from constipation can keep you up at night, but a nation full of giant, constipated babies? That’s a real nightmare … especially given that few of us will ever admit to being one.

Most babies are adorable, but not GCBs. They’re the opposite. They’re deplorable.

I just Googled, “Constipation.” Never thought I’d ever do that. Anyway, if it’s chronic, it can be linked to colitis and colon cancer. Not pretty. And in our constipated society, it appears that we’re greatly suffering from deadlock ... along with high blood pressure, heart attacks and strokes. They’re all connected.

Suddenly, I feel like I’ve written myself into a hole. Now I have a blockage. Yikes! Let’s see if I can free things up …

Well, at least I’m not complaining like those giant constipated babies, but believe me you, I have my moments.

As a nation, don’t you think we could really benefit from a gigantic enema? We need to sit down and have a nice, long … uhhhhhh … CHAT. Yeah, that’s it.

I mean, really. We really do need an emotional, political, psychological and spiritual laxative. It’s the next best thing to a vaccine for being stubborn.

Of course, that would require us to admit that we’ve got a problem and that an enema would do MORE GOOD than harm. Of course, no one will ever do that. Hence the problem. So much for that.

Still, keep those diapers handy. You never know.

 

P.S… I posted this essay yesterday and sure enough, something interesting happened today. After an encounter at the supermarket, I couldn’t wait to get back here and share it with you.

I was at the checkout counter chatting with one of the friendly clerks. She told me that she was so happy that tomorrow is her day off, but she added that on the following day, she had to supervise things in the store.

“Sounds like you’re moving up around here,” I said. “That’s great!”

“Oh no it’s not!” she replied. “Supervising is such a pain! All I do all day long is deal with adults here who do nothing but behave like children!”

With that, I got a neon-yellow, flashing lightbulb over my head. My supermarket lady had just given me another little story for you.

“What?” I replied. “That’s ridiculous!”

“Yeah,” she said. “They come in here and lose their minds! I guess it’s where we all are right now!”

“Well, I’ll say a prayer for you,” I said.

“PLEASE DO!” she replied … looking as if she needed at least two weeks on an island far away from the real world.

Well … there you go.

As I’ve been trying to tell you, GCBs appear to be taking over … not only in Washington and God knows where else, but perhaps also in supermarkets across the nation.

 



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