Men, remember back when you were ten years old and you were talking about superheroes with your friends and one of yuhs (yes, yuhs) blurts out …
“Hey! If Superman and Batman had a fight, who would win?”
Remember how the mere suggestion of such a possibility – despite the fact that we’re talking fictional characters here – made all of yuhs crap your pants?
Well … Hollywood has taken that to heart … and the bank. I’m just back from seeing “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.”
Yes … I know. I feel foolish, but I was one of those ten-year-olds and I had to see it. Okay, let me just say that the film is clearly for this demographic and Director Zach Snyder and crew obviously had a great time – amid the painstaking work – making this film. Let me just put it this way …
“Hey! What if Superman does THIS?”
“And what if we make Batman do THAT?”
“And how ‘bout we bring in Wonder Woman?”
“Oh, and let’s bring in lots of Hollywood stars and television celebrities for quick cameos? Let’s get everybody who’ll do it simply because they want to be able to say that they were IN this movie!”
“And you know what else we’re gonna do? We’re gonna blow up absolutely everything we can get our hands on with this $250 million budget!”
I mean, about halfway into the film, I caught myself thinking that they had used everything but the kitchen sink and then … I kid you not … there’s this one scene where I seem to recall … Batman picks up what looks like some sort of yes, SINK, and slams Superman with it … or was it Superman who slams Batman with the sink? Whatever. I’m thinking that this was an inside joke amongst the cast and crew.
I mean, how many not-for-profit groups could they have helped with $250 million? That seems insane. Okay, I hate to be a David Downer.
By the way, I was somewhat skeptical about Ben Affleck as Batman. Poor Ben Affleck. Everybody doubts him all of the time. He was okay, I guess. And Henry Cavill as Superman? All he really has to do is just stand there and be a wooden soldier … which he does very well. And Jesse Eisenberg does his best to give a performance as Lex Luthor that’s as powerful as Heath Ledger did as the Joker in “The Dark Knight,” but somehow, it falls short.
No offense guys. Seriously, I know you work hard. I just have to call it like I saw it.
Amy Adams, Diane Lane and Holly Hunter do the true acting in this film, sappy dialogue and all, but of course, that’s not why anyone – certainly not 10-year-old boys - goes to see a film like this.
One final thought. I was among several men who dove into the Men’s Room upon exiting the theater when the film was over. As we all stood in front of the stalls, we peed … and peed … and peed … and then we all spontaneously cracked up laughing. Nobody said a word to one another. It was so clear that we were happy to be relieving ourselves after a half-hour of previews and another two-and-a-half hours of the movie.
In short, the film is a desperate play.
Well … that’s all I’ve got for yuhs. I will now leave “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” where I left it at theater …
In the can.